Monthly Archives: February 2012

The Art of the Succinct, or: How I Learned to Stop Avoiding the Short Story and Enjoy the Ride

Confession: I used to be a reading snob. I can admit that now. I’ve taken ownership of my wicked past and have seen the light.

What I mean is that I used to look down on the short story. I might take a crack at a novella- but only if the author was solid. A short story just didn’t seem to be worth my time.

Growing up, I read a lot. Reading was my preferred way to spend my time. In retrospect, I can see that putting my nose in a book and barely coming up for air was my way of handling my shyness. Books were always my friend and never rejected me. (It did take me about 3 or 4 attempts to complete The Return of the King but, to be fair, I tackled that one in the 6th grade. I was a geek for anything vaguely fantastic or epic so LOTR was on my list early. But that last book is a little dense.)

My stumbles at Tolkien notwithstanding, the novel was it for me. A good novel (preferably at least 300 pages) meant plenty of time focused on a single story and roster of characters. I’d work my way through the obligatory introductions by the author (“Todd, meet Gandalf. Gandalf, meet Todd…”) and settle in to the meat of the story. I’d enjoy the novel through its resolution then, usually, flip back to the book’s beginning looking for the “Also by…” list in the hope that it was a single entry of a larger series. One of the first fantasy novels that I read, by the brilliant Piers Anthony, was Centaur Aisle. That book was picked because with the word “centaur” in the title I figured there was no way it could be anything but fantasy. This led to a short-lived habit of selecting books based on the font and color of the title on the book spine- usually evaluated by standing in a library aisle with my head cocked 90° to the right. Centaur Aisle, with a vaguely medieval font on a sky blue field, was a perfect example of that practice.

Centaur Aisle cover

The book in question.

That particular book was an excellent choice for a young novel aficionado. Although I had unknowingly skipped the first three books in the Xanth series, the novel lived up to my expectations. I quickly got myself up to speed on the world and characters and I was off! I finished that one and circled back to the first three books that I had missed. Piers Anthony also became the first author that I really sought out. I soon discovered the breadth of his work and got my hands on anything he wrote.

All was well in my adolescent head- until I hit Anthonology, his collection of short stories. I had accidentally picked up short story collections in the past but this was the first time that I can remember picking up one from my sparse list of favorite authors. I was honestly at a loss here. On one hand, Piers Anthony was an A-list writer (pun intended, as any reader of the Xanth books will appreciate). I’d read just about everything of his I could get my hands on- 6 or 7 Xanth books, early entries in the Apprentice Adept and Incarnations of Immortality series, and even a poorly understood attempt at his Tarot books. However, the short story was my nemesis. I’d barely get comfortable with the setting, plot and characters and then- BANG- it would be over. What was the point?

At that point, I could not afford to be picky. My desire to hide away from the world inside a good book meant that I’d exhausted every bit of decent reading material available. (It would not be until a few years later that I would grow to appreciate re-reading a good book. Nice, that. Like catching up with an old friend that you hadn’t seen in some time.) I opened the book and began reading. I figured I owed Piers at least that much for all of the satisfaction he’d given me already.

That changed my entire outlook. I admired the wry wit of “The Life of the Stripe”. By the time I reached “On the Uses of Torture” I was in awe. The author had created these entirely complete stories- beginning, middle and end- sometimes in just a few pages. Thanks to Mr. Anthony, the short story was now on my radar.

As I matured, my list of favorite authors grew. I discovered the worlds of Roger Zelazny and Robert Heinlein– usually through a robust novel or series. The Chronicles of Amber books and Stranger in a Strange Land remain at the top of my all time favorites list, alongside Mr. Anthony’s own Incarnations of Immortality series. However, I’d always be delighted from that moment on to discover a collection of those authors’ short stories. Zelazny’s The Last Defender of Camelot (most notably the titular story of Lancelot’s modern struggle) and Heinlein’s The Past Through Tomorrow (” ‘If This Goes On…’ “) sit solidly next to any longer piece.

I began thinking about this topic- the short story- the other day while boxing up old books to give to friends or donate to the Rescue Mission. I was overdue in keeping a promise to my wife. When she bought me my first eReader a couple of years, I promised that as I was able to find my old favorites in digital form, I’d begin shedding the accumulated weight of 25+ years of reading and collecting books. I’d made significant progress in building my digital library over the last couple of years and, in acknowledgement of my wife’s ascetic tastes, was ready to move the books out.

[As an aside to my fellow bibliophiles- I will suggest that you get comfortable with the idea of the digital book. While I have a nostalgic love of the physical artifact itself (the book that I can hold), the true power of books is in the information that they convey. The printing press changed the world not because it created a new consumer product but because it allowed information to move freely and without constraint. The Internet is its modern descendant. What’s important about the book is what’s inside- not the carton.]

In packing up my old companions, I came across my beat up copy of Anthonology. This book had truly been buried under its peers in recent years in the second layer of books on one of my bookshelves. I picked it up with that comfortable feeling of recognition. The packing was slightly delayed while I spent some time revisiting those stories.

It’s only now, as a 40 year old man (and father!), I realized what it is about short stories that draws such appreciation from me. A common theme in my conversations with my sons is the value in doing something well. I know that I’m not alone in this- parents want to teach their children that a job well done has its own intrinsic value. This is illustrated in the Japanese tea ceremony. The overt actions, preparing and serving tea to a small group, are of secondary importance. The tea ceremony’s primary lesson, to my understanding, is one of respect for something done well- in this case, the seemingly simple act of sharing a pot of tea. There should be an innate satisfaction in mastering something. It is our stamp on the world. It is our moment to exert our will over our own human imperfection.

I appreciate the skill it takes to write a short story well. To be able to capture all of the elements of a tale- setting, character, plot, theme- and do it so succinctly is admirable. Nowadays I have no real preference in the format of my readings. Similar to my willingness to embrace ebooks, it’s about the quality of what I’m reading, not the format that the author chooses to utilize. An author that tells a story well is worth reading- whether as a short story, novel, play, or poem. Why miss out on the good stuff because you don’t like the way that it was packaged?

Afterthought:

The website Snopes, an encyclopedic and disciplined look at all things urban legend-related, presents a solid investigation into a story related to Ernest Hemingway. The story is that Hemingway wrote a masterful story in only six words- “For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.” Regardless of whether he wrote such a piece, it inspired some modern masters to present their own six-word stories, as detailed here. Without making any comparison between my own work and that esteemed collection, here’s my version:

He won, despite their best attempts.

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A Scammer By Any Other Name

A couple of years ago, on the Monday following a July 4th weekend, my brother Chris’s partner had his Facebook account hacked. When my wife logged onto her Facebook that morning, the fake “Beau” pounced and related a heart-wrenching tale of suspense, danger and intrigue. This was an also international thriller as the excitement had apparently unfolded in London!

The fact that my brother and his partner had been out on a boat on Lake Erie just two days prior certainly seemed to present some logistical challenges for “Beau”. A Sunday jaunt to Great Britain is also the kind of event that would come up in casual conversation with my brother. As we’d not heard anything about the trip across the pond, it seemed suspicious to me.

At first I prompted Aubry to offer the then-suspicious “Beau” the opportunity to verify his identity via some personal information. Within a few moments, my wife had me take over the chat on her computer (and her Facebook account). Apparently internet scam artists must truly be cagey masterminds as he quickly asked, “What are you trying to do, verify me?”

My next follow-up question about the particular car that “Beau” drives was quickly met with Facebook’s response that Aubry’s account did not have permission to chat with “Beau”. After being a part of our family for a few years, “Beau” had now rejected his sister-in-law.

Switching gears, I began to think of how this could become a funny story. I logged onto my Facebook account and within a few seconds he was ready to chat with me.

I had some ambitious ideas for where I wanted the chat to go but, this being my first attempt at scam-baiting, I clearly need some practice!

My editorial notes are displayed [in brackets].

Beau        hi

Todd        hey

Beau        How you?

Todd        great- you?

Beau        Not good

Todd        how was was your holiday?

[Maybe this chat would go in a different direction?]

Beau        Not good Not good

Todd        oh no! what happened?

Beau        Not good I need your help

Todd        of course- what happened?

Beau        Am stuck in London…….was mugged at a gun point last night

All cash credit card and cell phone was stolen off me

Todd       omg

Beau        It was so scary just happy i still have my life and passport…

Todd        have you called Chris?

Beau        Here with me

I need your help

Todd        sure- what can I do?

Beau        I need you to loan me some cash….as the next available flight leaves in some few hours from now…..

I will def refund it back to you as soon as i get back home PROMISE

[You can always trust a promise if it’s written in CAPS, right?]

Todd        sure- how?

Beau        You can have it sent to my name through western union

All you will need is my name and location

Todd        ok- what do I give them

Beau        Are you on the website?

Todd        is that all I have to do?

oh- I can do it online?

Beau        Are you on the website?

Yes

Todd        I’m there now

Beau        Yes

http://www.westernunion.com

Todd        already there

Beau        ok

What step are you now?

?

Todd        so how do you id yourself to them? why don’t I just buy your ticket for you?

what airline is the flight on?

I’m calling my travel agent right now

[Note: I have no travel agent. Do people really ‘have’ travel agents nowadays?]

Beau        I need the money to settle my bills as my return flight leaves in some few hours from now

Thru the help of the embassy

Todd        ok- the agent needs to now which airline your flying

she can have the ticket all set in 5 min- this is great!

what time was that flight you mentioned? I think we can make it

Beau        I already have a return ticket back home

I just need to settle some outstanding bills here before leaving

Todd        oh- the agent is telling me that she has to charge me b/c she bought the manifest placeholder- oh no!

it is going to cost me a $250 fee to cancel the customs paperwork

[Now I just wanted to see how long I could keep this going.]

Beau        Are you on the website???

Todd     what do I do? the customs document has already been filed by the travel agent

could you maybe repay the customs fee as well as the $980? I hate to ask but you know how tough it has been since the tractor accident

[Tractor accidents can be expensive.]

Beau        ok

I will refund everything back…

Todd        I’ll wire the money but I had the travel agent reserve the customs manifest and now she has to charge me for it. I’m so sorry to ask b/c of the trouble you are in but since I’m in the physical therapy for my detached liver $ has been tough

[Also expensive- a detached liver…]

Beau        ok

Can you get on the website now?

Please be fast….as am freaked out here

Todd        but I’m kind of worried about this manifest fee

Beau        I will settle everything when i get back….

So how much will everything be now….plus the $980

Todd        are you sure you will be able to pay it back? I’m sorry to ask but since I traded the cow for those hybrid seeds it’s been tough.

[How can I work a giant into the conversation?]

well- $980 plus the $250 customs fee. is that too much?

so $1030

[Just wondering if Mr. Scammer is a Math whiz…]

Beau        ok

Todd        wait- maybe I don’t need you to repay it in cash.

Beau        i will def refund everything to you as soon as i get back home..

PROMISE

[More sincerity!]

Todd        I have always admired your singing voice- maybe you could sing a Frank Sinatra song on my answering machine- that would be cool- your Sinatra impression is the best

Beau        Am in a local library

Todd        people would think that Frank Sinatra really liked me enough to record a personalized greeting

Facebook: You don’t have permission to chat with this person.

would you maybe write me one of your classic Haikus?

[…and unfriended by fake Beau!]

 

p.s. If, like me, you like to know how things resolve, all worked out. We had contacted my brother via phone while I was chatting with scam-Beau. Chris put the word out on his Facebook wall alerting all of their friends to the attempted scammer. Real-Beau was able to shut down the Facebook account that morning and, after verifying his identity, regained control of it a couple of days later. Although scam-Beau had serially begged and unfriended all of the friends that appeared online that morning, as far as I know, no one actually sent any money.

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Alternate line?

"You know what? I'm good- you can keep the watch!"

Pulp Fiction- awesome movie. Christopher Walken delivers an “Oh-my-God-I-can’t-believe-I’m-hearing-this-monologue”.

Remember this part: “…so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass.”

To which young Butch should have responded, “You know what? I’m good- you can keep the watch!”

 

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What’s in a Name?

Well… plenty.

Born in 1971, I was blessed cursed given the name “Todd”. As a child, we begin to figure out the world and how we fit into it. I think giving your kid the name “Todd” guarantees to define that child as “different”.

Growing up in the 70’s, I remember the thrill of the day I got my first Big Wheel. OK- I am cool!

The Big Wheel was born just a couple of years before me and nothing said “I am a man!” more than the thrill of your 5 year old legs pumping the pedals and breaking traction in the driveway. (This phenomenon is also seen in later male development- usually with disastrous results….) In short order, I’d graduate to the even-more-radical Big Wheel with the handbrake!

The only thing that could make your new plastic hog any cooler would be a license plate with your name on it, right? Ok- let’s head to the mall and Spencer Gifts!

Sorry kid- not if your name is Todd! (If you’re 17 and have your parents’ old ’79 Bonneville, you can forget about the personalized keychain as well.)

Thus is revealed the official confirmation- some names will be forever alone.

To make matters worse, pop culture reinforces the idea that this is a weird name. My first memory of this was Steve Martin’s epic “What I Believe” bit. In the midst of numerous great jokes was the crushing reference to “…Uncle Todd, who waves his penis….” (At the 0:33 mark.) Some transcripts of the monologue reference Tom instead of Todd. They’re wrong. It’s Todd. I love Steve Martin but that line sucks.

Let’s take a quick look at other Todd’s in pop culture- in a rough timeline of sorts. (If you’re too young to get the early references, skip down to one that you’ve heard of.)

  • Steve Martin’s barbecuing perv, Uncle Todd with the puppet show.
  • Bill Murray as co-Nerd Todd DiLaMuca with Gilda Radner’s Lisa Loopner on Saturday Night Live. “Toooodddddd…”
  • The Simpsons‘ youngest Flanders, Todd. Todd is redeemed slightly for his tendency to curse under pressure.
  • Remember Boogie Nights? Great movie. Remember Thomas Jane as Dirk’s one-time rival, the smarmy exotic dancer Todd that masterminds the drug deal that goes bad?

(Or, if you’d prefer to watch the excellent scene, click here.)

  • Scrubs‘ “The Todd”. This guy took it to a new level wearing entirely too many thongs throughout the life of the show. (I’m not finding a picture or linking to a video. You’re on your own with that one.)
  • Wedding Crashers– Todd, the tortured emo artist brother of Owen Wilson’s love interest. He makes the list not because he’s gay but because of the absurd pathos of the character.
  • Dunder Mifflin’s own Todd Packer (The Office). Thanks dude. Way to class it up.

  • Finally, the comic genius David Cross, once of Arrested Development, as the titular character in The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Him? (He’ll be redeemed if Arrested Development makes its rumored comeback.)

In the interest of feigned journalistic objectivity, let’s explore cool characters with the name “Todd”.

  • Disney’s 1981 epic The Fox and the Hound‘s own Tod, the fox, with ridiculous spelling. (Remember that? No? Did you miss the 30th anniversary rerelease? Don’t worry- so did everyone else- although it did make it to Blu-Ray.)
  • ummmm… that’s it- I’m out.

If my wife and I are watching TV or a movie and a character named “Todd” is introduced, you can bet I don’t want to be compared to him.

For better or worse, “Todd” is who I am. Add to that the surname “Panek” and I can pretty much guarantee that no one else is reaching for my coffee order. However, I’m not alone. On Google I’ve found at least two other “Todd Panek’s”. One appears to be a racer (motocross? BMX? not sure.) Another is a Director of Operations with RewardDollars thanking Raspberry Media for some business-to-business service.

This is me- and I’m comfortable in my own skin. (As the Naked Room in my retirement planning illustrates.)

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Hello!

Hopefully this blog will entertain you while satisfying my creative side- enjoy!

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