An Open Response to the “Highly Selective Program” Invitation I Received

Dear Sir,

Please forgive my responding to your email invitation in this public forum instead of directly to you. I am an aspiring writer in addition to my well-established role as a business magnate. As a naturally giving person, I thought your email actually represented the opportunity to share the obvious humor with my readers. You weren’t serious about that program, were you?

It was considerate of you to give me the option to schedule a brief consultation with a team member of your collective partnership/soul-harvesting operation. Or, I might use one of the powerful tools available to a business leader of my obvious renown (you may know it as “Google”) as a means of completing my own independent research. I mean, I probably COULD fill out that generic referral form with all of my detailed personal information. It would certainly be the more considerate option as far as your interests go. I would assume that sales calls always go smoother when you know more about your victim potential customer. Forgive me- my time as a business pioneer does not include any experience in the sales world. I assume that is your area of expertise.

Don’t get me wrong- two non-consecutive weeks, one in San Francisco, one in New York, over the summer sounds delightful. The combined weight of not one, but two, venerable business schools running the program only adds to the siren’s call of your offer. Frankly, the combination of the two schools makes me tremble with anticipation.

Although, $21,000 is a lot of money. (No- that wasn’t in your invite. That super-secret information harvesting algorithm I was referring to- Google- returned that little nugget of information. ) It’s certainly a tempting offer. Participate in your highly selective program (although you did get down to my name on the users list from that business social media site, so I’m not sure how selective it actually is…) at a cost of $21k or save for my children’s college tuition…

Sadly, I cannot accept your generous offer. I considered, but ultimately rejected, an earlier thought about asking my company to pay for the program. I’ve got over 3000 days in with my employer and they apparently have some confidence in my judgment. Actually putting that request to paper might give them cause to rethink their high opinion of me.

However- I am happy to say that I may have a solid lead for you! I would hate to waste your valuable time (those contracts for fresh souls aren’t going to sign themselves!) so please allow me to make an email introduction between you and a new acquaintance.

Mr. Vice President and General Manager of Professional Services, please meet MR. DIRECTOR PAUL NOTMYREALNAME, FORMER PERSONAL SECRETARY TO THE RIGHTFUL PRESIDENT NOW DEPOSED OF NOTAREALCOUNTRYISTAN. HE DESPRIATELY NEEDS YOUR HELP LIBERATING FUNDS WHCIH HAVE BEEN SIEZZED SCEIZED TAKEN BY THE NEW GOVERNMENT OF HIS LAND. FOR YOUR TIME, HE IS PREPARED TO OFFER YOU THE PRINCLEY SUM OF FOUR QUADRILLION DOLLARS….

(Good luck to you both. I’ll just let myself out….)

Sincerely,

TMP in SYR

p.s. I am a big fan of the delightful snark in Ken’s open responses to spam marketers on display over at Popehat. Check them out!